Hi America. It’s recently come to our attention that you’ve got something pretty important coming up soon. No, not Thanksgiving. We have no idea what that is. We're talking about the election of the next Leader of the Free World.
Whether Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump is elected president, nearly half the country will be unhappy. But we — your friends across the pond — are here to help.
The few days following the election will feel like a breakup. First there's the shock. Then comes denial. Soon, you'll be writing furious Facebook posts, contemplating moving continents, and wearing a wig while drunkenly arguing with yourself in a mirror. Just me on that last one?
Brexit Britain understands. We've done the whole "divided nation" thing, got the t-shirt, and then burnt said t-shirt in an emotional angst-ridden protest that nobody really noticed. If you don't get the result you want, it's OK. Just follow the Global Citizen Damage Limitation Guide to help ease yourself through the pain.
They will soon be calling me MR. BREXIT!— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) August 18, 2016
Rule No. 1: Keep calm. You're in for quite a ride.
Britain leaving the EU like https://t.co/r3MwrFzkUL— Lowkey's Birthday ♣ (@Enock1Yk) June 24, 2016
You're going to wonder if what's happening is actually real.
It's OK to chill in this space for a while.
You don't have to think about it straight away. Distract yourself. Do you still play Pokemon Go?
No? OK, you're going to need tissues. Lots of tissues.
You're not going to want to accept the result. You'll want to throw your toys out of the pram like it's the final fight scene of Small Soldiers. But this is the way it is now. Nothing is going to change it.
After some time, you're going to have to confront what's happened. This will be difficult. Try and use your friends to drag you out of your funk.
Soon you'll be looking for somebody to blame. Have you forgotten Rule No. 1 already?
Some people might try to blame immigrants, for no logical reason at all. Don't do that. That's stupid.
Surprisingly, Kid Rock has the right way of it.
Hey, authority: pic.twitter.com/7chEAS0cGq— Kid Rock (@KidRock) April 12, 2016
So does this guy.
Hey authority: pic.twitter.com/bWfyChy4aL— Graham Linehan (@Glinner) April 13, 2016
And this one.
hey authority pic.twitter.com/x3TdBmH9ar— Megan Neuringer (@MeganNeuringer) April 12, 2016
Feeling better yet?
Hey authority: pic.twitter.com/qS6bN4UHG3— Drew Schnoebelen (@Dschnoeb) April 12, 2016
You'll be tempted to fight with your friends. Don't do that.
You'll be tempted to fight with your grandparents. Don't do that either.
They might have voted differently to you. But it's just because they see the world in a different way.
(Plus, Christmas is coming. How you react to the election might decide what you get under the tree).
Actually, that's a great point.
Christmas is coming!
You might start feeling that a strange version of patriotism you don't recognize is taking over.
My views on Brexit? Have tried to keep a low profile but find this cartoon from Central Europe quite poignant. pic.twitter.com/1rSZlQrUcx— Pekka Huhtaniemi (@HuhtaPekka) June 24, 2016
But do not despair. Nothing is going to change today, or even tomorrow. In fact, the new president will not be inaugurated until January 20 next year.
Plenty of time to prepare yourself for this brave new world.
The truth is your country won't work without the other half.
It might seem difficult to imagine making up with the people calling you a sore loser right now. But you have to.
Even if you get your way, you need everybody on board to make change possible. Don't alienate them.
And if the situation is truly is hopeless, there's always Canada/Australia/a trip to Mars with Elon Musk.
You won't be alone.
@gabeAlfassy IF HE WERE TO BE ELECTED,IM MOVING TO JUPITER 😖— Cher (@cher) June 16, 2015
Just remember Britain is here for you if you need a shoulder to cry on. We understand.
We'll even let you borrow Adele from time to time.
But most importantly, make sure you go out and vote. It's up to you to wake up in the world you want to see.
Hang in there guys. Britain's got your back.